What happens when your past fails you? All the pictures and trinkets you’ve collected have long forgotten homes; welcome to my bubble.
It’s time I let you in on a little secret, you being the reader of this. . . Story, tragedy, blessing? I have holes in my memory where pieces of time don’t exist. Gaps that have continued to linger despite being called to my attention; People, places, items, memories I should have but don’t. I’m sure everyone has bubbles of memories that fade away after a few years, but unfortunately, mine are far worse and closer together. Please enjoy my trip through my bubbles as I try to recall in chronological order the events that happened.
(I WILL BE LEAVING OUT LITTLE DETAILS LIKE WHAT WE ATE FOR DINNER AND SUCH)
I am age 3 in this memory. I know people everywhere are screaming “YOU CAN’T REMEMBER BACK THAT FAR IN AGE! YOU’RE LYING!” Well you’d be right in a way. I don’t remember everything, just one memory, and only one memory.
I’m standing in the doorway of Mom and Dad’s room looking down at my favorite Winnie the Pooh shoes.
Now I do happen to know that this was around Christmas only because there is a photo of me wearing those shoes and a green dress in a photo album, and if you know about children, you know their feet grow fast at that age. (In other words I couldn’t have been older wearing those same shoes)
I am around the age 6 maybe 7 in this memory. Emily (my sister) and I were playing outside with Digimon. It had snowed and iced over in our yard, but we insisted on playing in the “field” behind our yard.
Later that year nearing the age of 7, maybe 8 many things happened. I cut my foot really bad on a piece of glass during our Sunday clean up day, our cats ran away, I had gotten braces off my feet (or on I can’t remember. I walked on my toes), and Dad left.
I remember coming home to a note on the coffee table. Mom picked up the note and started reading it silently before throwing it down and Emily picking it up. Emily dropped it and I picked it up. I know neither of them read the whole thing because I remember it was lengthy, but I don’t remember anything it said. I was the only one who could read the note out loud, and I did.
I remember it hurt so much not because Dad left but because I had made my first 100 on a spelling test and I was so excited to show him what his help did. When I walked in the door, the world that day just stopped.
Age 8 started many fires in my brain, from my first anxiety attack about a cupcake (yes, a cupcake caused a panic attack)
Now first let me explain. I did not cry because someone ate my cupcake or the last cupcake or that I didn’t get a cupcake when I wanted it. No, that’s not what happened. I thought “chocolate cupcake on the fridge” and I had a panic attack. My heart started beating so fast I passed out and woke up in the hospital.
Welcome to my first gap.
Continuing at this age, Pokemon, YuGiOh, Digimon, Winne the Pooh, and Spongebob were all Emily and I watched.
PAUSE!! I have a brother remember? Welcome to my second gap. Where was Joseph?
Mom split Emily and me from one room into two. At some point my room was hers and her room was mine. I’m not to entirely sure when the switch happened, but it did. At this age mom had already introduced us to her boyfriend Alan, who thought it was super funny to make a joke about a chicken the first time we met.
The nights were very long because I couldn’t sleep. I would count the dots on the ceiling, stare through the window at the leaf that looked like a potato Robin Hood, and eventually wonder into my closet to sleep under the shelf away from the cat piggy bank that was motion activated to blast “MEOW”, that too was facing the opposite direction. This age started the nightmares that were to frightening for anyone to have.
Demons would be connected by organs to the whicker basket in the hall, would only appear if I crossed to the bathroom more than twice a night. The demon caught my house on fire, and after alerting my mom and my sister, asking the demon what it wanted. It wanted me. I asked my mom and sister if they would “die for me” which they promptly threw themselves on the fire. Emily gave me a hug though so that makes the nightmare better, right?
The nightmares were so vivid and continued night after night, same one again and again. Why me, I would always ask the demon. I never did get a response past a chuckle.
Welcome to gap number 3, in which we moved from our house to 2 hours away. I don’t remember how we got there or when.
Mom and Alan were in a wonderful relationship, you know the kind where you punch her in the face for eating the last slice of cheese? Then in return she spit on him and he dragged her out by her hair. That was the kind of relationship; the wonderful kind.
Emily and I didn’t have beds, but we had fun with the mattress on the floor. The floor was lava and we had plenty of blankets to run around on.
Where was Joseph?? I still don’t remember!
Next door were the ugliest pug dogs you’d ever seen! Their owner would let them out and they would waddle over to our yard, scaring the wild cat Emily and I named Chaos (She was Calico), and causing an uproar with their squawking.
Now right about here the gaps get crazy, so I will be formatting this strange, ready?
Gap 4, something led up to no food in the house, only water, Sunkist, and re fried beans. I ate re fried beans.
Gap 5: It was raining outside and Emily and I thought it would be a great idea to go and hide under the picnic table and watch the storm. Lightning hit a tree in our back yard about fifteen feet away; we went inside promptly.
Gap 6: We lived with Dad at grandmas.
Now I do know a little leading up to this point, but not because I remember it. There is only one thing I remember and that is because how happy I was afterwards; Mom left us there.
It was October; I don’t remember how old I was. I stopped having birthdays around 8 so from 8-13, I didn’t know how old I was. I remember being dressed up and grabbing my backpack and then Dad and grandma were talking. Shortly after, we were asked if we wanted to watch a movie. (Come on, as a kid how can you say no to that when you know you’re going to get popcorn?) We finished the movie, and went to bed: It would be YEARS before we heard from Mom again.
HUGE GAP HERE
We lived with 2 of Dad’s girlfriends and the only reason I remember is because I had two of them approach me about it.
Gap 7: We lived in a trailer park, but we had our own house! Dad was so proud of that that he made beer battered chicken with homemade BBQ sauce. That was the best thing I’ve ever eaten, hands down to this day! And that’s about it.
To Be Continued. . .