# 10. Why Does My Child’s Room Smell Like Ketchup?
Unfortunately, there is a very easy explanation; while you were busy cooking, doing laundry, vacuuming, standing on your head, and chewing Tylenol shaped pills out of a TicTac bottle, your child(ren) were playing with the remnants from their chicken nuggets, ketchup, and cheese stick in their room. . . Unsupervised! (Not that dreaded parent-shaming word!!! Anything but that!!) . . . And now their plate is indeed clean as you earlier instructed it “better be”, but unfortunately after all that hard work, underneath the pile of clothes your child refuses to wear or pick up, is hiding a lovely red stain that threatens to live with you as long as you remain on this planet.
#9. THE CRUMBS
You know that
wonderful feeling of having your life put together? (At least on the outside.) Your house is tidy, your clothes are dare I say, folded. You started the day off with your stereotypical over-sized, kitschy cup of coffee or tea after ending yesterday with a nice smut book- life’s good! You are up for the day, ready to go, dressed to the nines with the latest Instagram/Pinterest trends, and you get in your freshly cleaned, waxed, vehicle that smells like vanilla, and you notice it.
They’re everywhere, how could you miss it? In the seats, under the seats, in the cup holder! It’s like a gorilla came to eat some off brand saltines while you were sleeping, but worse because it’s real! You put your manicured nails up as far away from the filth as you can and wretch in disgust. This can’t be happening! But it can, will, and your perfect day has come to a halt at the gas station.
#8. Old Nasty Dish Sponges
It’s that time of day again! It’s half past the counter, isn’t that the saying now days? Your dinner was a huge success and after a beautiful night of entertaining and spotlighting as the most wonderful chef/mother/hostess that ever existed in all mankind. The guests have gone home and you are left feeling like a million bucks, that is until you walk into your kitchen. Thank god the kitchen has a separate door! You think. You have no problem doing the dishes, you always do the dishes, it’s just dishes, but a smell is unmistakable in that sink. You can’t put your finger on it but you don’t want to do the dishes anymore and as if in a horror movie, you back away slowly, realizing the error of your ways. (OH GOD NO!) Frantic now you drop to your knees and throw every item under your sink onto the kitchen floor and find in the very back, beneath the empty dishwasher detergent bottle, an empty pack of what one was, sponges. What have I done?! Well calm down, it’s not the end of the world, yet. You grab a clothes pin from your vintage Pinterest makeshift thing that required hot glue and clothes pins, and pinch your nose.
Done, the dishes are done, and now your hands smell like sewage, but that’s okay. There is a special Pinterest soap that is made of unicorn rainbows and glitter crap, just waiting to be pinned.
#7. I Don’t Care What You Have To Say As Long As You Have Food In Your Mouth
We all hear it, the mushing, sloshing, smacking sound of an inconsiderate FOOD SMACKER. You kindly don’t make eye contact and smile as you stare at the poor food that will be inevitably be destroyed so cruelly. So much for “enjoy your food” you think as you wish someone would call you and tell you there is an emergency at work and you must leave to go there as soon as you can. Good luck with your lunch you poor soul.
#6. To Pass Or Not To Pass
You’re in a hurry but you can’t run, the hall is narrow and you need to get by. Walk faster and you are suddenly an a** hole, any slower and your could comfortably escort your grandma with her walker, 5 of her cats and get her home in bed before you get to your destination. But these people are YOUR age, not old, what is their motive? Do they know you’re trying to pass? Walk faster and you have to avoid eye contact, walk slower and keep a distance so you don’t look like a creep. What do you do?
Post to Facebook “I’m so mistreated, the world hates me, I can’t say anything to their face so I’m going to post it here.” You know, that unsocial way to get peoples attention by relating through frustration.
After looking up from your post, they are gone, you’ve scrolled through your Facebook for no less than thirty minutes and a stranger gives you a nod as he passes by you with his eyes to the floor. Well, darn.
#5. Instagram Stalkers
It’s day three, you’ve scrolled through her 4,000 pictures, clicked on every link, scrolled through every page, and you did it. You found it, the one post to rule them all! You copied and sent a link to all of your Instagram followers, family members, text contacts, and posted it on the Daily Morning News website. Now triumphantly you convince everyone that it was shown to you by “someone” who was “deeply concerned” with the post. You call the cops, you call CPS, and you delete all your history of the subject from the past three days. You continue to post about how happy you are and how wonderful your life is #happylife #gonnaread #perfecthusband, and then they call.
“I see you liked my post from 4 years ago, the post that the cops are visiting me about.” They say. You are finished, you’ve been caught and now you are being taken to court for harassment.
JUST KIDDING! Things never get that far.
#4. My Kid Is Perfect In Every Way
Need I say more?
#3. Books With Poorly Written Endings
There once was a woman who had a husband who worked at a place. The End.
Respected and well known and distinguished, Grammy nominee with 100 golden globe awards in counting with blue eyes and shiny perfect hair,
#2. Can You Hear Me Now
“I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat with my hands over my ears.” Did you ever think a car radio would be able to be heard from space? Well now it can! With 30 easy payments of just $200 and a civil lawsuit a month, you can have a radio that can show off your manly pride more than all others! Call or go online to order! Or perhaps you spend a little less and buy a wonderful hearing aid, you know, that little radio thing meant just for you! It’s light weight and fits right in your ear canal for easy hands free volume, all day any day! No more lawsuits, no more paying out of pocket, with your very own hands free hearing aid, the world is full of possibilities!
Walking in like
Walking out like