I haven’t picked up a pencil in what seems like years. I seem to remember that I was good at it and that I found great solace in picking up a pencil and creating what was in my mind; anything that struck my fancy. When I was younger I wasn’t worried about my style or whether it was good enough. I loved picking up my pencil and letting my mind escape, letting me go and be whatever I could think of. The only struggle I had was finding a way to make my art look closer to the things that I had in my head.
Now I sit here with the pencil tapping the blank sheets of paper and I can’t seem to remember how to make it work. Am I missing the USB Port for the pencil, or is the paper incompatible with the pencils? Do I need an adapter?
The blank page is intimidating me, mocking me, giving me such a feeling of unworthiness.
Is this the punishment for all creative people that let the mundane things take up too much of their lives, is this the struggle of connect to the world and be behind a glass ceiling? It’s torture; it’s an itch that I can’t scratch. Is this what Alanis meant by her Jagged Little Pill?.
Tap, tap, tap, my pencil is mocking me.
My pencil is the physical incarnate of the Adversary, slowly crushing me with his Eldritch Fury and scorching with its hellish rebuke. Where is the Heavenly reprise to get me out of this dark artistic damnation? Where is my heavenly Artistic Salvation? Why is this small wooden totem of evil not drawing the masterpieces that I have in my head?
Tap, tap, tap now my pencil is laughing.
Laughing at my own insecurities, laughing at my meager attempts at art while the entire world makes better Art. All those different sites that have all those people that draw and paint, better than all the things that I have ever done.
That’s it, I give up! I will never draw anything ever again, there is just too much pressure, too much pressure to create and post things that others will like, and too much pressure to draw anything that wont trigger one of the special snowflakes out there.
I think I will just doodle then.
Tap, tap, crack.