You try to smile as you head to work, keeping in mind the next day is your day off and you “only have to make it through 12 hours.” You try to think of all the ways that things could go right, the things that could work in your favor. You try to listen to your favorite music when you can and even hum a few bars as your walking down the halls of work, and you try to imagine what life would be like if you were as beautiful as you imagined yourself skinny, staring at the reflection.
You try to go home and forget about the image you saw staring back at you at work. You try to pretend that your stomach is just vibrating and not growling, as if you left your phone in your front pocket (or something like that.) You try to listen to music and not fall asleep behind the wheel, and you try not to dream about a skinnier you.
You try to make something healthy in your kitchen, counting calories and guesstimating amounts that could melt the weight off you over night. You try to do yoga for six hours to lose the most weight in the least amount of time. You try to, at least you try to.
The mirror stares at you as you take fists full of fat, taunting you and you try to convince yourself you don’t need to eat, your body can survive a year off that fat. You try to starve yourself, believing it’s the only way to get that body in the mirror. You try, and you fail, stuffing food in your face. You couldn’t live without the soda, you couldn’t live without the chicken, you couldn’t live without the cheese, and now you can’t live with yourself because you never try hard enough.